Links to other work can be found below:
Never Wases Anonymous - The London Magazine
Wednesday, 17 May 2023
Monday, 17 January 2022
BBC Radio 4 - Every Ballymena Man's Dream
A story of mine was produced for Radio 4 recently. Have a listen here. Every Ballymena Man's Dream
Saturday, 16 March 2013
Burrito and Kate
I have a story Burrito and Kate published in 3:am magazine, and I'm chuffed to bits. Have a read here: http://www.3ammagazine.com/3am/burrito-kate/
Sunday, 16 October 2011
New Website
I've a new website showcasing my writing and teaching. You can find it here: http://www.gerardmckeown.co.uk.
Also check here for what I still think is the funniest blog on the internet.
Also check here for what I still think is the funniest blog on the internet.
Thursday, 7 April 2011
Northern Irish Assembly Elections 2011
It's less than a month away! Who will you be voting for? Any of this lot?
Sammy Wilson?
Nelson McCausland?
Or Peter Robinson?
Sammy Wilson?
Nelson McCausland?
Or Peter Robinson?
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Unemployment in Northern Ireland
I'm here to bring a message of despair. Let's all scream before we become like this:
That fucker George Osbourne wants us all like this. Tell him to get fucked.
That fucker George Osbourne wants us all like this. Tell him to get fucked.
Sunday, 14 November 2010
The Donkey Punch
I'm back again, within the space of a week. Don't get your hopes up, unless something else happens I want to comment about. I put a video up on youtube this week for my poem The Donkey Punch. I think the visuals compliment it rather than explain it. I always saw it as a companion piece to another poem of mine Farmer (see elsewhere in blog for this).
Hope you enjoy it.
Hope you enjoy it.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Wordlegs
I know I've pretty much abandoned this blog but I'm stopping by briefly to tell you to check out the latest issue of Wordlegs, because I have a story in it. Check it out here.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
2nd Person Narrative
As some of you may know I'm currently doing an MA in creative writing. One of my ambitions when starting it was to put a few more colours in my palate (this is a metaphor, I can't paint. Crayons are more my style). I was hoaking through some hands outs recently when I came across so pages from Jay McInerney's novel. Bright Lights Big City. Now if you follow that link it'll take you to the DVD but you being smart can find the book from there. You will also notice that you're now reading second person narrative. Yeow! The book is famous for being written in second person narrative. In my experience as a writer I've only ever used first and third. And even when I've taught creative writing I've only ever covered first and third. I've now loaned the book out of my local library. Yay me and yay the library for having it. It has a much less embarrassing cover than the DVD so I can take it out when I'm out for a coffee and be an interesting bookworm and not look like I'm reading a Dawson's Creek - The College Years style page turner.
I hope that reading the book might make me want to try my own second person narrative, we'll see. I hope it does. I wonder have any of my readers read or written second person narrative. The only fiction I've came across before in second person is the find your own adventure books I used to read as a kid. The second person worked because of how they involved you in the plot. You made choices for the characters and thus shaped the plot. I'm wondering how this will affect my reading of Bright Lights Big City, I'll soon find out.
BTW - Please don't put any spoilers in the comments section if you have read it. This is what dickheads do.
I hope that reading the book might make me want to try my own second person narrative, we'll see. I hope it does. I wonder have any of my readers read or written second person narrative. The only fiction I've came across before in second person is the find your own adventure books I used to read as a kid. The second person worked because of how they involved you in the plot. You made choices for the characters and thus shaped the plot. I'm wondering how this will affect my reading of Bright Lights Big City, I'll soon find out.
BTW - Please don't put any spoilers in the comments section if you have read it. This is what dickheads do.
Monday, 31 May 2010
Human Beings Are Fragile Things
Having been a drama student I've been in some student films, most of which I'd not like to see, and I'd like it even less if other people saw them. There are exceptions to this and the following video is the best example of that.
The guys who made it did a really good job on it and when it was screened at a local club (the Brickyard in Carlisle) I have to say I felt cool as fuck.
Any of you who've seen the blood face photograph I use on social networking sites now know where it comes from.
Wonder what the guys who made it are doing now. If you are still making films give me a shout, I'm skint and come v.cheap these days.
The guys who made it did a really good job on it and when it was screened at a local club (the Brickyard in Carlisle) I have to say I felt cool as fuck.
Any of you who've seen the blood face photograph I use on social networking sites now know where it comes from.
Wonder what the guys who made it are doing now. If you are still making films give me a shout, I'm skint and come v.cheap these days.
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
I Predicted The Election Result
So David Cameron is now prime minister and everyone is a bit pissed off that the Lib Dems basically have abandoned their policies for some cushy jobs and the pleasure of being Cameron's Bitches (no not in that funky rapper way).
I'm not a political blogger so I'm not going to go into the finer points on anything. I know Gordon Brown ballsed a few things up but I think a lot of his unpopularity came from the fact that he's getting on a bit (New Labour is no longer young hip and sexy) and that he's a Scot (this is an admission that I recognise the prejudices of the national media - I personally think the Scots are cool).
I think it was a bit nasty how he went but when it comes to politics all ideas of fairness should be left at the door.
Anyways I knew this was going to happen and I could have spared brown the time and effort involved in a lengthy campaign. You see last year I made this video all about the what would build up to the end of the world.
I can't say how they're all linked because that's not how being psychic works. Instead today a little piece of the puzzle clicked into place and if you watch the sequence of faces that starts at 0:51 it'll make a bit of sense to you too. If you can figure it out I'm sure it can all be stopped. Save yourselves! And others!
I'm not a political blogger so I'm not going to go into the finer points on anything. I know Gordon Brown ballsed a few things up but I think a lot of his unpopularity came from the fact that he's getting on a bit (New Labour is no longer young hip and sexy) and that he's a Scot (this is an admission that I recognise the prejudices of the national media - I personally think the Scots are cool).
I think it was a bit nasty how he went but when it comes to politics all ideas of fairness should be left at the door.
Anyways I knew this was going to happen and I could have spared brown the time and effort involved in a lengthy campaign. You see last year I made this video all about the what would build up to the end of the world.
I can't say how they're all linked because that's not how being psychic works. Instead today a little piece of the puzzle clicked into place and if you watch the sequence of faces that starts at 0:51 it'll make a bit of sense to you too. If you can figure it out I'm sure it can all be stopped. Save yourselves! And others!
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Monday, 1 March 2010
Smallville - Dawson's Creek for Comic Book Geeks
Smallville has long been an excuse for the lonely teenage geek to indulge in slushy awkward romance fantasies while avoiding the ridicule that an admission of watching Gossip Girl or The OC would bring them.
You see regardless of the Lana Lang/Clark Kent/Lex Luthor/Louis Lane love rectangle that the teenager so eagerly watches sometimes adding Chloe (?) to it for the sake of making a magic pentagram to cast on the people that mock them for watching it, the teenager can always argue that they watch Smallville because it's about Superman and therefore it's comic book based and somehow not fair to slag it off.
If you look properly at it though Smallville tries to cash in on all the cheesy romance crap it can, from Clark's switching between good Clark and bad Clark to the cheeseball lines lex says. One memorable occasion was Lex quoting John Donne to Lana to show her that Clark couldn't have written her some slushy poem because "Clark doesn't understand that poetry is all about seduction"
Fuck sake Lex, you're supposed to be a fucking baddie.
The biggest proof that comic book fans watch Smallville for it's slushy sentimentality is all the Lex and Clark friends that grow into deadly enemies hints that are thrown out all over the place to allow sappy geeks to shout "A-ha!" everytime they hear one.
Here's one, the worst one, and please try to remember that Lex is supposed to be a baddie and not some character thrown in at the last minute because he was too bald for a Mills and Boon novel:
I mean if someone you knew said this to you, even if they were pished out of their face and you'd just done them the biggest favour of their lives, you probably wouldn't speak to them again, just incase they said it in front of someone that knew you.
Maybe it was moments like this that made Clark and Lex enemies in the end, not because Lex turned to crime but because Clark grew fed up with his ballbag, cheeseball lines.
Smallville fans would see this coming but since most comic book geeks have no friends, they have no basis for comparison and rely on me to provide them with the knowledge.
You see regardless of the Lana Lang/Clark Kent/Lex Luthor/Louis Lane love rectangle that the teenager so eagerly watches sometimes adding Chloe (?) to it for the sake of making a magic pentagram to cast on the people that mock them for watching it, the teenager can always argue that they watch Smallville because it's about Superman and therefore it's comic book based and somehow not fair to slag it off.
If you look properly at it though Smallville tries to cash in on all the cheesy romance crap it can, from Clark's switching between good Clark and bad Clark to the cheeseball lines lex says. One memorable occasion was Lex quoting John Donne to Lana to show her that Clark couldn't have written her some slushy poem because "Clark doesn't understand that poetry is all about seduction"
Fuck sake Lex, you're supposed to be a fucking baddie.
The biggest proof that comic book fans watch Smallville for it's slushy sentimentality is all the Lex and Clark friends that grow into deadly enemies hints that are thrown out all over the place to allow sappy geeks to shout "A-ha!" everytime they hear one.
Here's one, the worst one, and please try to remember that Lex is supposed to be a baddie and not some character thrown in at the last minute because he was too bald for a Mills and Boon novel:
I mean if someone you knew said this to you, even if they were pished out of their face and you'd just done them the biggest favour of their lives, you probably wouldn't speak to them again, just incase they said it in front of someone that knew you.
Maybe it was moments like this that made Clark and Lex enemies in the end, not because Lex turned to crime but because Clark grew fed up with his ballbag, cheeseball lines.
Smallville fans would see this coming but since most comic book geeks have no friends, they have no basis for comparison and rely on me to provide them with the knowledge.
Friday, 8 January 2010
The Adventures of Boring Tom - Part 5
One day Boring Tom called the cops on his illegally parked neighbour.
The cops came and clamped the car.
Later that night someone broke Boring Tom's windows, and he didn't know why.
Boring Tom Stories by Gerard McKeown and Ryan O'Neill.
The cops came and clamped the car.
Later that night someone broke Boring Tom's windows, and he didn't know why.
Boring Tom Stories by Gerard McKeown and Ryan O'Neill.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Farmer
My birthday was last week and my lovely girlfriend took me for the weekend to a lovely wee cottage in the Sperrin Mountains.
The Sperrins isn't a place I know too well so while there aside from all the partying and setting trends that we do we went for a cool walk. I had my video camera with me and Kristiina decided to shoot some footage for a video I wanted to make of my poem Farmer.
Farmer is (in my opinion) one of my best poems. It's different from the sort of stuff I'm known for but I wrote it when I was 21 and living in Carlisle, long before I'd ever heard of performance poetry or page poetry (nonesense terms used for sneering and boxing people in). It was also one of the first poems I had published (Fire no.26) and for that reason I'll always be very fond of it.
Here's the video:
The Sperrins isn't a place I know too well so while there aside from all the partying and setting trends that we do we went for a cool walk. I had my video camera with me and Kristiina decided to shoot some footage for a video I wanted to make of my poem Farmer.
Farmer is (in my opinion) one of my best poems. It's different from the sort of stuff I'm known for but I wrote it when I was 21 and living in Carlisle, long before I'd ever heard of performance poetry or page poetry (nonesense terms used for sneering and boxing people in). It was also one of the first poems I had published (Fire no.26) and for that reason I'll always be very fond of it.
Here's the video:
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Boy Meets My Foot (in his hole).
I remember watching Boy Meets World as a teenager. It was a show that was alright to watch when your mum was eager to see the news. It mostly revolved around Fred Savage's less iconic wee brother trying to get buzy with the yummy Topanga (hubba hubba). It was vaguely enjoyable after a day learning things at school, you could easily just sit and zone out while it went about all quirky and cool and failing miserably. It was tolerable, and maybe even a slight guilty pleasure. What it wasn't, was a show that educated and helped me deal with issues.
That's why out of all the episodes of the show the one that sticks in my mind is the one below:
What happens is that Sean (Corey's dickhead mate) and Corey get drunk at a party. Corey stops because they puked and stuff, Sean however is now reckless and out of control. He shows up pished out of his face to school. No one smells it off him (because it's television). He insults beloved teacher Mr Feeney (Kit fromNight Rider) who is imparting knowledge, gets told to get out to fuck.
Corey takes him home where they argue. Sean's 2D brother shows up and they fight about how their dad was a drunk (a-ha! Now we're getting to the root of the issue!) Sean's girlfriend shows up with Toganga (oo la la) and Sean's girlfriend tries to be understanding but Sean violently assaults her (oh! He's a violent drunk!) This is made much worse by the fact that she's the show's token black character so he comes off as a bit of a racist too. His girlfriend handles her abuse with grace and tells him she'll be back with some of her mates and a lead pipe. Sean sees that his nasty drunken ways are going to get him the kicking of his life and so he quickly gets dried out and apologises to everyone. Including Mr Feeney who as the pedagogue figure should have done a little more than the fuck all he did (he's probably tired after seeing how saving Hasselhoff's arse week after week led to fuck all).
Anyways his girlfriend's mates still fuck him up but then they get back together (although he's more subdued).
The problem with this episode is that it tried to be all advisory for its audience, and most of its audience didn't want it's advice. It also gave it in such a cackhanded way that reduced the issues to nothing more than something you take the piss out of with your mates. I'd like to hear the statistics on how many people who watched that show realised they had an alcohol problem like Sean. I'd guess not one. Epic Fail. Boy Meets World? What a fucking waste of my teenage life? I should have skived off school and went to the arcades to play tuppeny nudgers and had fights at the bus station instead of running home to see it.
That's why out of all the episodes of the show the one that sticks in my mind is the one below:
What happens is that Sean (Corey's dickhead mate) and Corey get drunk at a party. Corey stops because they puked and stuff, Sean however is now reckless and out of control. He shows up pished out of his face to school. No one smells it off him (because it's television). He insults beloved teacher Mr Feeney (Kit from
Corey takes him home where they argue. Sean's 2D brother shows up and they fight about how their dad was a drunk (a-ha! Now we're getting to the root of the issue!) Sean's girlfriend shows up with Toganga (oo la la) and Sean's girlfriend tries to be understanding but Sean violently assaults her (oh! He's a violent drunk!) This is made much worse by the fact that she's the show's token black character so he comes off as a bit of a racist too. His girlfriend handles her abuse with grace and tells him she'll be back with some of her mates and a lead pipe. Sean sees that his nasty drunken ways are going to get him the kicking of his life and so he quickly gets dried out and apologises to everyone. Including Mr Feeney who as the pedagogue figure should have done a little more than the fuck all he did (he's probably tired after seeing how saving Hasselhoff's arse week after week led to fuck all).
Anyways his girlfriend's mates still fuck him up but then they get back together (although he's more subdued).
The problem with this episode is that it tried to be all advisory for its audience, and most of its audience didn't want it's advice. It also gave it in such a cackhanded way that reduced the issues to nothing more than something you take the piss out of with your mates. I'd like to hear the statistics on how many people who watched that show realised they had an alcohol problem like Sean. I'd guess not one. Epic Fail. Boy Meets World? What a fucking waste of my teenage life? I should have skived off school and went to the arcades to play tuppeny nudgers and had fights at the bus station instead of running home to see it.
Saturday, 24 October 2009
The Adventures of Boring Tom - Part 4
One day Boring Tom found a penny on the ground
"Hey! I've just found a penny!" he shouted, as he picked it up.
"So what?" said some passers by. "You can't buy anything for a penny."
"I collect pennies and keep them in a jar at home," said Boring Tom.
The kids walked away laughing.
"We'll see who's laughing when I've saved up a pound!" said Boring Tom happily to himself.
Words by Gerard McKeown Art by Ryan O'Neill.
"Hey! I've just found a penny!" he shouted, as he picked it up.
"So what?" said some passers by. "You can't buy anything for a penny."
"I collect pennies and keep them in a jar at home," said Boring Tom.
The kids walked away laughing.
"We'll see who's laughing when I've saved up a pound!" said Boring Tom happily to himself.
Words by Gerard McKeown Art by Ryan O'Neill.
Monday, 28 September 2009
One Tree Hill and Music I Like
The other night I was trying to find the song Here Comes A Regular by The Replacements on youtube so I could show it to my girlfriend. As per usual on youtube I came face to face with craply recorded live versions and assholes (you are fucking assholes) in their bedroom doing shit covers (This is an emotional song and involved a lot of people giving birth/struggling with constipation/emotionally battered but resiliant).
I eventually found the song as it had been used in the TV Show One Tree Hill. One Tree Hill started around the same time as The OC and was temporarily overshadowed by its cool Seth Cohen witicisms and my ex-Rachel Bilson. But as The OC lost it's way and turned pish One Tree Hill kept chugging along like the little engine who could and burned brightly like a mighty log on the fire of television while The OC exploded wildly like a hallowe'en firework that shot up into the air in a beautiful display before crashing back to earth in the next door neighbours garden and setting their shed on fire (it got cancelled after a few seasons).
Anyways I've never really followed One Tree Hill. I know most of the main characters names and roughly what sort of people they are (at least within the context of the show, I don't know what they're like when they're off doing other stuff). I vaguely followed it when the guy shot his brother because he had gotten the first brother's high school sweetheart pregnant and tried to pretend it was a highschool kid on the rampage what did it but then he was found out by his sons (his illegitimate one and official one) and they made sure he rotted in jail for being a no good piece of slime. That aside I really don't have much of a clue about it.
I didn't know what to expect when I decided to risk showing this snippet to my girlfriend. I asked my girlfriend to listen to the song rather than watch the moving pictures (some bird in the show dying). I might have exposed myself to a massive ass whoopin (in a metaphorical sense) if it had not been that we were both surprised that after finding Ellie (who?) dead the American girl (Payton, Cocoa Butter or some other essential oil of a name) starts waffling on in French. (She must have liked her and now be traumatised). Though if you are traumatised what better song to listen to than Here Comes A Regular by The Replacements. Enjoy! (The song, not one tree hill).
I eventually found the song as it had been used in the TV Show One Tree Hill. One Tree Hill started around the same time as The OC and was temporarily overshadowed by its cool Seth Cohen witicisms and my ex-Rachel Bilson. But as The OC lost it's way and turned pish One Tree Hill kept chugging along like the little engine who could and burned brightly like a mighty log on the fire of television while The OC exploded wildly like a hallowe'en firework that shot up into the air in a beautiful display before crashing back to earth in the next door neighbours garden and setting their shed on fire (it got cancelled after a few seasons).
Anyways I've never really followed One Tree Hill. I know most of the main characters names and roughly what sort of people they are (at least within the context of the show, I don't know what they're like when they're off doing other stuff). I vaguely followed it when the guy shot his brother because he had gotten the first brother's high school sweetheart pregnant and tried to pretend it was a highschool kid on the rampage what did it but then he was found out by his sons (his illegitimate one and official one) and they made sure he rotted in jail for being a no good piece of slime. That aside I really don't have much of a clue about it.
I didn't know what to expect when I decided to risk showing this snippet to my girlfriend. I asked my girlfriend to listen to the song rather than watch the moving pictures (some bird in the show dying). I might have exposed myself to a massive ass whoopin (in a metaphorical sense) if it had not been that we were both surprised that after finding Ellie (who?) dead the American girl (Payton, Cocoa Butter or some other essential oil of a name) starts waffling on in French. (She must have liked her and now be traumatised). Though if you are traumatised what better song to listen to than Here Comes A Regular by The Replacements. Enjoy! (The song, not one tree hill).
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
The Adventures of Boring Tom - Part Three
One day Boring Tom was at the bus stop.
"Does this bus go to Lurgan?" Boring Tom asked.
"No," said the person at the bus stop.
"Good," said Boring Tom. "I don't want to go to Lurgan. Too many "wild boys" there".
Using his fingers hadn't produced the reaction he'd hoped for, but he wouldn't give up hope. Someday someone would get it.
Boring Tom by Gerard McKeown (words) and Ryan O'Neill (art)
"Does this bus go to Lurgan?" Boring Tom asked.
"No," said the person at the bus stop.
"Good," said Boring Tom. "I don't want to go to Lurgan. Too many "wild boys" there".
Using his fingers hadn't produced the reaction he'd hoped for, but he wouldn't give up hope. Someday someone would get it.
Boring Tom by Gerard McKeown (words) and Ryan O'Neill (art)
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Helping out a Tranny Tramp
Me and my sweet honey pie today went with some wee bits and pieces she wanted rid of to a charity shop. Only problem was every one we went to was closed. Not letting that beat us me and my little honey pie went and left the stuff in a wee sheltered bit outside one (not saying which cause we support).
We were very pleased with ourselves and gave each other a hi-5 At this point a tramp came along and asked if he too could give us a hi- 5 How could we refuse that miserable old tramp? We hung ten with the funky tramp. Then we fucked off to do other cool stuff.
When we came back we found that a suitcase full of clothes had been taken but another box was left. We thought it must have been the tramp. It was a nifty suitcase and would have made him look like a classy lad. Of course there were ladies clothes in it so maybe the randy old dude was a tranny as well as a tramp. That's cool we thought. When I used to work in charity shops trannies came in all the time (I've never worked in a charity shop but it's a vaguely amusing [if homophobic] story that makes me sound like I give a shit about muthafuckas).
Anyways we thought also he might have a lady tramp and the clothes will come in handy for presents on special occasions. This was sweet we thought. Our biggest fear was that some chump might have spotted the suitcase and thought it was a bomb (as can happen in this part of the world), and if that was the case we'd have to run from the cops.
We were very pleased with ourselves and gave each other a hi-5 At this point a tramp came along and asked if he too could give us a hi- 5 How could we refuse that miserable old tramp? We hung ten with the funky tramp. Then we fucked off to do other cool stuff.
When we came back we found that a suitcase full of clothes had been taken but another box was left. We thought it must have been the tramp. It was a nifty suitcase and would have made him look like a classy lad. Of course there were ladies clothes in it so maybe the randy old dude was a tranny as well as a tramp. That's cool we thought. When I used to work in charity shops trannies came in all the time (I've never worked in a charity shop but it's a vaguely amusing [if homophobic] story that makes me sound like I give a shit about muthafuckas).
Anyways we thought also he might have a lady tramp and the clothes will come in handy for presents on special occasions. This was sweet we thought. Our biggest fear was that some chump might have spotted the suitcase and thought it was a bomb (as can happen in this part of the world), and if that was the case we'd have to run from the cops.
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