Twilight - A Review

I was playing the good boyfriend the other night when my sweet honey pie said: "Let's watch twilight," and I said, "Aye okay then."

That's actually a bit of a lie. I was interested to see it. I know I'm not in the target audience (teenage girls) but I've always had a liking for the whole Vampire mythos and have enjoy the genre very much.

So down we sat to watch the Twilight! (or just Twilight, I've a habit of prefixing nouns with 'the').

Both of us had the best intentions but I was very happy when at about an hour in my girlfriend asked if I was enjoying the film as little as she was.

We kept watching anyway and talked as it progressed about what we thought was wrong with the film.

Firstly, the main female Bella is unremarkable as a person. Apart from Edward (the hot Vampire boy) not being able to read her thoughts (and he can read everyone elses) and he wants to drink her blood (but won't) there's no real substance to their relationship.

They have nothing really linking them except for the relationship itself, which is a thinly disguised metaphor for not having premarital sex.

Bella spends a lot of the film looking slightly startled (as you would if you found out you were dating someone who wanted to drink your blood - regardless of how much they say they won't actually do it).

She is rude to her friends. When she arrives new in town and doesn't know anyone. A few people at her new school become her friends (okay some of the guys want to diddle her but it's better than getting your deep wee head flushed down the bogs as is usually par for the course). She doesn't really give a fuck what they're at and when her and Edward go to the prom all her mates are happy to see her (even though they think she's dating a wanker) and wave hello. At which point Edward and Bella decide to fuck off without even speaking. How deep?

Edward in fact spends a lot of the film being deep and taking about five minutes of deep shaking to get a sentence out.

Late on in the film he introduces Bella to his family (the other vampires) and they all go and play baseball - like radical, cool, slamming funk baby, get down. The family have very little substance but since Twilight is the first in a franchise we can assume that later films will flesh them out (I'm sooooo witty), so for now we can let this go, although it's a bit frustrating to just have them all dumped on us all at once. It's like being left in a room full of people you don't know at a party to find that the only thing they talk about with any excitement about is Jane Austen novels (I think Jane Austen is shit you see).

All in all the film looks like like a marketing conspiracy involving Gap, John Frieda, Max Factor and the inbred society of America. Twilight is also a bit flat and non-descript as a title, the film would have been better named Hot Deep Teenage High School Vampire Love Movie I'm surprised my main man Snoop Dizzle didn't make an appearance in a jacuzzi wiv a bottle of fine Don Brizzle and some hoes, just to squeeze in whatever potential audience group still available to them.

Though I think if I was a cool teen (and at 28 I haven't been one in a while [there are some who'd say I never was one, but they'd sound funny saying it because of their broken jaws]) I'd probably not want to watch Twilight, I'd probably want to listen to Little Boots instead because I'd be more impressed by a role model who sounds like she heard a Goldfrapp album and said: "Hold on, I could do that."

And there's nothing wrong with that, because Goldfrapp suck anyway. Ellen Page even says so in Hard Candy and I'd trust her because she spends her time visiting paedophiles and convincing them to kill themselves (actually watch Hard Candy instead of Twilight).

So yeah, Twilight like totally sucks ass dude!



NB Anyone who had any doubt about me being a cool teen take a look at this. I was very cool (okay I was in my early twenties here but you can still see it) and deep too (I'd have made a great vampire).